VIVA GOANKAR! (Contributed by: Godfrey and Charmaine D'Souza, 23 Sep 2012)
A Goan gentleman was asked, "When you are old, which one of these two ailments would you rather have - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"
The old shapai answered: "Definitely Parkinson's. Because it's better to spill half a peg of Feni, than to forget where the hell you kept the bottle!"
You KNOW you are GOAN when (As found in an e-mail forward of unknown origin)
• Your house smells like fried onions and fried fish.
• No matter where you go in the world you will find another Goan named D'Souza or Fernandes.
• When you tell your parents you got 98% in an exam and they ask you what happened to the other two percent.
• Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.
• Everyone is a family friend.
• You went to a university as far away from home as possible.. You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.
• You fight over who pays the dinner bill..
• You don't understand what "No thank you" means after you have offered food to someone ....and yet you keep on insisting.
• You have to outdo your friends with something that is bigger, better and more expensive, even if you can't afford it.
• You're walking out of customs at the airport and you see all 25 members of your family who have come to pick you up.
• You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage that is only 80 lbs. overweight.
• You ask your Dad a simple question and he tells you the story of how he had to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.
• You have annoying nicknames like Petus, Babush, Bostiao, Butu.....
• You are really confused whether or not you are Portuguese... ....heaven forbid... Indian.
• Your parents push you to get married all the time but find all other races other than Goan unacceptable.
• No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.
• You miss a Goan dance and your parents tell you there were lots of young people there.
• You see pictures of the Caribbean and you say "It's just like Goa ."
• You call everybody who's brown and not from Goa 'BINTAKAR' and make fun of them in Konkani.
• Two minutes into a conversation you tell a stranger you have 2 acres and 20 coconut trees.
• You are comfortable going for a holiday back to Goa in May.... just to sample the mangoes, sorpatel and Goa sausages.
• You are well versed in property law even though you're a welder by profession and haven't passed 10th grade.
• You have six middle names most of which you can't pronounce.
• Your entire family is constantly fighting over property they inherited from somebody else.
• You interject 'what', 'men' and 're' in every line of your conversation.
• You make the sign of the cross before driving over bridges..
• You eat last night's curry the next morning.
• Lastly, you are certainly not Goan if you don't eat pork, dance, drink Feni and drive.
KONKANI COMPUTERS (Contributed by: Manuel Simplicio Rodrigues, 10 April 2010)
The Coalition Government in Goa has managed to come to at least one unanimous decision: They have commissioned Bill Gates to create a Konkani Version of Windows 2007 exclusively for Goa and other konkan regions in India .
The Microsoft Team is already hard at work on this new totally new interactive CD-ROM up-grade, which is to be called "ZONELAM 2010". In this version, a mouse shall be called UNDIR. A mouse buttom shall be called UNDRACHO BUTAO. As ZONELAM 2010 opens, the theme music shall be "UNDRA MOJEA MAMA". Here is a preview of some commands which have already been worked out by the Microsoft Team Goa:
Ignore = Mar Shendi
Exit = Vashimbor
Click = Fottu Kadd
Double Click= Don Fottu Kadd
Byte = Ghass Mar
Save = Bankan dorr
Hide = Lipoi
Unhide = Sogleank dakoi
Hang = Lamboi
Stop = Tamboi
Move = Aloi
Turn = Pettoi
Turn off = Paloi
Delete = Zok Mar
Open = Dakoi
Enter = Bhitor voch
Insert = Bhitor ghal
PageUp = Voir cadd
PageDown = Sokol ghal
BackSpace = Fattlean suat
Close = Bonn cor
Save = Samavun dhor
Home = Ghara voch
End = Kabar
GOAN MLAs (Contributed by: Manuel Simplicio Rodrigues, 19 March 2010)
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the Panjim-Mapuca highway. Nothing has moved for half an hour, when suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What's going on?”
The man tells him that Russians down the road have kidnapped some Goan MLAs. “They're asking for a 10 million ransom or they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. Several people are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”
The driver asks, “How much is everyone giving, on average?”
The man replies, “Most people are giving about a litre.”
IT PAYS TO LEARN KONKANI... (Contributed by: Navneet Kasbeker, 26 January 2010)
A Goan farmer walking through his field notices a fellow drinking water straight from the pond with one hand.
The Goan shouts, 'Arre baba, tem udaak pienaka. Tantun gorvan ani dukor hagtat!', which means, 'Don't drink the water; the cows and the pigs crap in it!'
The man shouts back, 'I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, you idiot!'
The Goan shouts back in English, 'Use both hands, you'll get more!'
GOAN JEWS (Contributed by: Marietta Coutinho, Sydney, 20 August 2009)
Oscar Weil and Benjamin Oppenheimer are American Jews and had come to Goa with a troop of Israelis for some R&R. While sitting at a local taverna, it came upon Benjie to ask, "Are there any Goan Jews?"
"I don't know," Oscar replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" The rest of the troop had no idea either.
When the waiter came by, Benjie asked him, "Are there any Goan Jews?"
"I not know sir, I check," the waiter replied, and he went to speak to the bartender. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Goan Jews."
"Are you sure?" Benjie asked.
"I checking again, sir" the waiter replied and went back to the bartender.
While he was still gone, Oscar said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Goa, our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Goan Jews.."
"Are you really sure?" Benjie asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Goan Jews."
"Sir, I check," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, mango Jews and pineapple Jews, but patrao not knows Goan Jews! If you like, you can even have Feni with Jews."
GOANS CAUSING PROBLEMS IN HEAVEN (Contributed by: Anthony and Dorothy Lourence, 5 May 2009)
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Goencars up here in Heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing kashtis and saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating Sannas and Sorpotel. Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!"
The Lord said, "Goans are Goans. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call."
Satan answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.." Satan returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
Satan says, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
Satan says, "Man I don't believe this.........Hold on."
This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These Goans from the Gulf down here have put out the fire in hell and are trying to install air conditioning!!!
GOAN FAIRYTALE (Contributed by: Dr Rodney and Ivette Aguiar, 27 March 2009)
European fairy tales end with the couple getting married.Goan fairy tales begin with the couple getting married. Read on:
A young Goan couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband
from Assolna, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go up to
Connie's bar and
relax with his old buddies. So, he said to his wife, "Honey,I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to Connie's place, darling. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my moga?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him a
dozen different kinds of beer - Kingfisher, Belo, Sandpiper, Arlem...
name it she had it! The husband didn't know what to do, and the only
thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at
Connie's...you know...they have
frozen beer mugs! "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen
glass, morgada?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
connies they have those little snacks that are really delicious. You
know patties and croquets and cutlets and small chevrisam.... I won't
be long, I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?" "You want snacks,poochi pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips,
"But my sweet honey... at Connie's... you
know...there's swearing, and dirty words, galleio and all that..."
"You want dirty words, gallieo?... "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR
F*****G BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR M***********G SNACKS,
BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! SOZMOLO! BARAO?"
And they lived happily ever after.......
KONKANI RIDDLES (Contributed by: Paul Fernandes, 4 March 2009)
1. Hennem polleleari disona,Tennem polleleari disona,
Soglleo gozali kolloita, Tori, khoim asa kollona
Can’t be seen this side, Can’t be seen that side, hears everything, but cant be seen.
A. Kan - Ear
2. Oskot Ostori Ont Voddun dhori
A weak lady, holds her lips firmly
A. Sui –Needle
3. Tondd asa jib na, Pott asa rogot na, Usvas asa jiv na
There is mouth, but no tongue, there’s stomach, but no blood, he breaths, but no life.
A. Poskotto – Balloon
4. Reddo lipla matient, dori bhonvta xetant
The buffalo has hidden in the sand the rope is roaming in the field.
A. Konnong ani tachi val - Sweet Potato & its twig/creeper
5. Mhojea redeak hanvem xetant vhelo, punn to mhoje songim ghora pattim ailo.
I took my buffalo to the graze in the fields, but he came back with me
A.. Savlli – Shadow
6. Peleak ditai tori, tuvenuch dovrunk zai.
If you are giving it others, you need to keep it for yourself
A. Tujem Uttor - Your Words
7. Ozar dolle rakesh nhoi, Vhodd vhodd xingam paddo nhoi
Vegim dhanvta ghoddo nhoi, Rannant rauta, Sadhu nhoi
Thousand eyes, not a giant, big horns not a bull,
runs faster but not a horse, stays in a forest, but not a Sadhu.
A. Merum / Chitall – Deer
8. Hortantli ubi matari, Tondd mollbak ubhari
Old lady standing in the compound, her mouth is pointed to the sky.
A. Baim – Well
9. Ontrollachi poddli ghonn, danvon danvon hadd,
vhodd koito ghevun fodd, rogot tichem pie godd, modhem mas bhailean add
Eagle of the sky has fallen down, run quickly n get it, break it with
a big knife Its blood is sweet, inside meat and bone outside.
A. Narl – Coconut
10. Ek vollem narlachem, bonvta soglo desh
Na taka addkoll, Nhoim-Doria, Dongor
A half of a coconut, travels around the world, no one can stop it,
neither river- sea nor a mountain.
A. Chondrim – moon
11. Abba mhuntlear lagta, Arey mhuntlear lagona.
If you say Abba it touches, If you say Arey it does not
A. Vontt - Lips
12.. Tin mattem, dha paiem, mathi khavun mukhar veta.
Three heads, ten legs, eats earth and moves forward
A. Nangor - Plough
13.. Tin paiemcho tikdo ghoddo, tacher bosla kallo cheddo.
Horse with three legs, riding on him is a black servant
A. Shiddi voir Koil - Pan placed on charcoal oven with 3 legs
14.Gobrant lollta, udkant morta.
Mixes with ash, dies in water.
A. Ingallo/Kend - Red hot Coal
15. Nexil'lem kaddun, baint uddta.
A. Kellem - Banana
16.Ath assa, paiem na, gollo assa mathem na
Has hands, but no legs, has throat but no head.
A. Fumis - Shirt
17. Tunvem ugoddlem, anvem pollelem.
You opened, I saw
A. Thond - Mouth
18. Fatrar nachta, sorier lamta.
Dances on the stone, hangs on the wire rope.
A. Kapdam - Clothes
19. Ek vhodlem Ghor, ulo marliar konn zap dinam
A big house, if you call out no one replies.
A. Ximitir -Cemetery
20. Inasa Bhailek 150 dolle, hollpam meutai zalear polle.
A. On'nos - Pineaple
21. Bonkam danddo, jilam ubo
A. Onnbem - Mushroom
22. Maim morta ani put zata
A mother dies and son is born.
A. Kellsumbo- Banana tree
23. Edoso bhurgo maink hapaita.
A small child, beats his mother
A. Ghantt -Church bell
24. Edoso bhurgo edem potonnem (langutti) nesta
A. Sui - needle with thread
25.Raza jeuta and kombo choita
The king eats n the cock looks.
A. Divo - Lamp
26. Sonkanni utota, ghor bhoumta ani kunnxeak bosota.
Wakes up in the morning, roams the house and sits in a corner
A. Sarun - Broom
27. Bonkam danddo jilam ubo. -A. Onnbem
Tench onnbem dakoita sonnbem -Arso
Toch Arso soussar parso - Kupam
Tinch Kupam golloit dukam -Paus
28. Ek sukne tachea nakant dori, te rodta nanapuri.
Ans. Ghantt - Bell
29. Atun portun bandlo boro, konn parkita taka korti bor soro.
A. Shendo - Ponytail
30. Ek sukne ghor rakkdne
A bird that guards the house
A. Chavi - Key
31. Algotachi dhu, Folgotar dili, Vonotir marun Phituv zali
Algota's daughter given to Folgota, thrown on wall, turned into copper.
A. Shimbur - Nose butter
32. Tin payacho tikklo goddo, tacher bosla kovo cheddo, hansta punn uloina.
A. Budkulo- Pot
33. Tiri-Tiri Tin pana, Tiri ghelo uoila rananent, Tiri konak biyena.
A. Arrmu - Air gun
34. Ek kaiyink, taka bara shiro ani satt biyo
One watermelon, it has twelve slices and sixty 60 seeds
A. Goddial - Clock
35. Atte na pitee na, rodot-udot voita.
No liver, no lung, goes crying-flying
A. Viman - Aeroplane
36. Ek sorop, eka burakant sant voita ani dusare burakant vochun nidta.
A. Addvomo - Wooden log for closing the door
37. Osol mosol korun nitt kelem, thuki lavn bhitor ghalem. kitem?
A. Suiek suth ghalop
38. Nennar khobor nastana voilean cholta. Zannar khonnun khata.
39. Oskot nari, aplem ant foddun vhori.
A. Sui Suth
40. Taka dhonstolo konn na, punn to pinrgunchem soddina.
41. Mollbar umkollta thorum naslolo koito.
42. He vatten polletam, te vatten polletam disona, khoimsorui pollelear mhaka zagonvchi mhoji maim disona.
A. Mhozo Avaz
43. Akodd pakodd tambea bhann, bot'tis rukank ekuch pan.
A. Thond, danth ani Jib
44. Kirlona, pottant vaddona, bhumicher asa, mollbar asa, punn udkant mat na.
45.Hai hui matie bhitor
46..Hanv poddlear poddta, hanv utthlear utt'ta, kallkant mat mhoje bhitor rigta.